All Aboard

What if we both agreed to stop playing the what-if game and now got on board the what-now train?

I’m embarrassed that I had to text you today to ask you about the trash. I didn’t know when it was to be taken to the curb. I also don’t know how to back up my computer to the external hard drive or how to connect the DVD player to the TV. I feel foolish for not knowing these things but you were my constant and now you’re gone.

You were my constant in the midst of a whole heck of a lot of craziness. I thought I was yours. And maybe I was too constant. Thinking back, what if I wasn’t always worried if you were Ok, that you remembered your appointments, had your favorite cereal for breakfast, made it to work on time and reminded you to call so and so? You wonder what if I had stopped to consider you more, to be more affectionate. What if I had just come out and asked you if something was going on because surely you would have told me (so you said). What if we both agreed to stop playing the what-if game and now got on board the what-now train?

What-now is that we were on the verge of our first “second-guess” of the other.  A week ago, you did not want the china cabinet so I said I would take it because I didn’t really want to sell it… it is a great piece. Now you say you want the china and the cabinet and I don’t know why. You didn’t seem to want these things when we were together…could they possibly mean something to you now? You should know that my gut wonders if you are giving them to her and I get nauseous. 

We meet with a lawyer in a couple of days. What I once thought was going to be amicable may now have some meat to it and that also makes me nauseous. You betrayed me and yet I still love you. I offered you forgiveness you didn’t ask for and you don’t think you need. Your heart has no emotional attachment to me, but it does to our stuff. I don’t understand. 

Will I find the peace to trust again? Not just you but anyone? I know in my mind that I will, but my heart wants to stop and stay on the side of Distrust Trail. I have to purposely slow down and let it come back on board. The what-now train may only have two passengers, but I wonder if the conductor knows that we’re on board.  


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