making my way

The Back-up Wife? Nice nickname.

Z. making my way, new way of life, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

Thou shall not commit adultery. The plaque of the Ten Commandments in OUR living room.

I moved out of our rental. You worked a Red Cross event. Isn’t it ironic that you will come to the aid of a perfect stranger but wouldn’t do anything to help your own family in crisis? I love how you go on with your life as if it’s just another Saturday. As if 23 days ago, you weren’t telling me that you had an affair and that just 15 days ago, you had not packed up your stuff and moved to her house. I look at the Ten Commandments plaque that YOU hung on our wall- I think you forgot to read it. But you shouldn’t have to read that committing adultery is a sin, let alone illegal. What about thou shall not lie. Hmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for you either. What about having no other gods before the one true God—you seem to have exalted yourself into that role of doing what you wanted at the expense of everyone else.

I used to think that things came easy for you and to be honest, I still do; however, what I’ve come to realize is that they don’t stay easy for you. It’s been just 23 days and your shine is tarnishing. It’s amazing to me that you have no sense of remorse. I don’t understand how you cannot feel the least bit sorry or sad about what you’ve done to another person — and by that I mean her. You may have hurt me because I am your wife, but you have hurt her reputation. You walk around in a bubble thinking that people don’t know what she did and whom she did it with? You are a married man. She was the girl who didn’t get you first and she’s not even going to be the girl to get you last. She is just a girl…shiny and used and one that makes you feel special because you don’t know how to be satisfied within your own self.

As I think about conversations we used to have, you used to tell me that you hated that we were poor, we weren’t poor, but you didn’t do anything about trying to help the household save money. You hated that we didn’t do things anymore…I’m not sure when you thought “we” were going to do things since you were always off with your friends. Well, let me clarify, when you said friends you were meeting her.

I asked you if you used protection that night and you said it wasn’t planned. Funny, because you had time to send a text to get your shift covered at work… if you had time to send a text, you had time to get a condom. Then to hear that you both walked into work together the next morning… really? There was no walk of shame, you felt perfectly justified in your actions and paraded that poor girl around like a trophy. I found out you referred to her  as the “back-up wife”. You don’t even consider her good enough to be anything more than a back-up? How does that not tell her everything she needs to know about you at that moment?

I respected you and the situation we were in enough to say that I did not want to speak with you while you were on vacation so that you could think about us and I asked if you would ask the same of her. You didn’t ask her and she certainly didn’t let you alone to think about things. Your chat log was on fire! I’m not surprised that you told our Preacher that you didn’t have time to check in with me throughout the day. I’m amazed you had time to get your work done… 1800 texts in a fifty-two day span! Is it a wonder why I told you the first thing we were doing was getting you off of my phone plan?

I understand that this happened to her in her first marriage and I’ve come to understand that she didn’t want to “lose” again, so she wasn’t going to let you go. You see, if you had come back to me, it would have validated her feelings (wrong as they are) that she has for herself— that not only was she not enough for her own husband but she also wasn’t enough for her lover. I am NOT saying that she’s not worth it because that is my prayer for her—that she would heal from the hurt she has been carrying around all these years and realize that there is more to her than being this other woman. She doesn’t need to find her value in the affections of men but rather realize that she is more valuable than gold to her Heavenly Father. But all I can do is continue to pray for both of you.

I didn’t think that I could pray for the Lord to “deal” with you. I love you and for those we love, we don’t want them to go to Hell. So if it takes the Lord dealing with you in the manner of your health, your work, and your strength than so be it. There are only two choices, Heaven or Hell and you know the saving grace of God but you need to get right with Him. He knows your heart and now so do I. Going to another church isn’t going to change His line of sight. He still sees you for what you are, not who you are trying to be in front of a new group of people. I shudder to think that you might be bringing her with you and the spiritual direction you are trying to provide.

I used to see and hope for the best in you but if what I received was the best then this divorce is the best thing for me. You hurt me but you are no longer in control of me. You held my heart in your hands and crushed it but the Lord can restore me greater than before and in that crushing produce a diamond. You see I am precious in His sight, even if I wasn’t in yours. You didn’t deserve me as a wife.

Running Numbers

Z. looking ahead, making my way, new way of life , , , , , , , , ,

I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? Tom Hanks, Castaway

I’ve been asked a lot of questions, and I ask a lot of questions myself. We had a joke for it when we were together – you said I was “running numbers.” Well, I’m running a lot of numbers lately, trying to figure things out and having moments of clarity accepting that there are things I will never know.

You left me to deal with our church family and our friends. When asked Where are you? I now reply “You have made some choices and decisions that mean you will not be around anymore.” For a period of time, I contemplated simply saying that you had an affair, you didn’t want to reconcile and we are getting a divorce. I struggled with trying to protect you and I don’t know why. You didn’t have an affair, you are having an affair…we are still married and you are still with her. There is no effort to show me how much you are sorry regardless of what you say.

What hurts the most, the fact that he said those things on D-day or that you are no longer his woman? This one took less time to answer than I expected. It really is a combination of both. In recent months, your actions were more cooled towards me. I attributed that to your extra work schedule and the stress you were under while working two jobs, albeit part-time jobs. I didn’t realize it was the stress of living a lie. One of my concerns that I shared directly with you was that you didn’t make me feel like I was a priority to you. If you wanted me to sit next to you at church, then you would have saved a spot for me, but you didn’t. You wouldn’t withhold affection, you would want to hold my hand, you wouldn’t walk three feet in front of me, you wouldn’t jump at the offer of a friend to go hang out and leave me at home. So hearing you say that there wasn’t a spark between us, that you weren’t “in love” with me, that there wasn’t anything in me worth fighting for would have only been words if they had not been validated by your actions. So what hurts is that your actions backed what you said and that’s why I can’t accept your apologies right now. They aren’t just words to me.

How are you? (Meaning me) Well, at this moment I am (insert assorted answers.) At any given moment I go through a range of emotions. I realize that I’m like the Georgia weather…don’t like it? Give it five minutes and it will change. One lesson you taught me is an old AA technique: if I don’t have a beer right now, I can have one in an hour. I’ve applied that technique a lot lately but sometimes I can’t wait an hour and I have to just get through the next minute. If I don’t cry right now, I can cry in a minute. And the next minute, if I don’t cry right now, I can cry in two minutes.

Why are you paying for the divorce? Well, I’m not paying for it, but I am paying half. And after that, I really don’t have a reason.

How can you forgive him? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

How can you not hate him or her? Love… And I don’t mean my love for him, but rather the love of my Heavenly Father for me. ….And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:2 (NIV)

Where is he going to live? I don’t know but yes, I do care. The Lord has blessed him with a great opportunity at a new job and whether he succeeds or fails is up to him.

Are you going to move back to Arizona? Tempting but no. I have created a life here that will go on even without him in my life. And now maybe I will be the one taking the opportunity for the one available ticket.

Now what? Well, I guess I will continue to rise up each morning and breathe in and out and pray that tomorrow will be a bit easier than today and I won’t have to remind myself to breathe.

Goodnight? No, Just Night

Z. making my way, new way of life, what I wish I knew , ,

There is only peace in the quiet when we believe that the sound will return.

Once a week we used to carpool. Today was that day. Today was the first time in four years that you didn’t drop me off at work, tell you me you loved me and that you’d see me at 4pm. I miss our routine… but the truth is that’s what got us to where we are now. After having lost everything and then having the chance to get into a rental home of our own, I think we just worked fast and hard to get back to what we used to have.

I was proud of myself for making the most of our budget and learning how to use coupons to get a box of name-brand cereal for $1.50. I was proud that thanks to coupons, we had not paid for toothpaste in over a year. I felt proudest when I could take four random ingredients from the cabinet and make something delicious & satisfying for my husband. I thought that I was making you happy and proud of me too. But really, I was just making an existence.

Everyone on the outside saw me as strong as I persevered through each day to keep a life for us. What people saw was the constant force in me that shouted S U R V I V E and I did. But in that, someone and something else didn’t—my husband and my marriage. I am by no means making excuses for you or even excusing the decision you made. Truth is, you made a choice and now there are consequences. You claimed there was no spark with us anymore. Well, your spark created a fire with someone else that you have to deal with now… and all you had to do was fan the flame at home. I recognize that we did probably sometimes function like roommates and fall into a routine. I accept that, but make no bones about it, I do not by any means think that gave you an excuse to go out and have an affair.

It’s late now and I purposely put off going to bed, our bed. Rest does not come easy nor does it last long. Remember how you used to read to me? I loved the sound of your voice as I fell asleep. Last night, I put on the audio read of Psalm 119 just to have the sense that someone was there with me reading me to sleep. Max McLean and I may develop a relationship through Psalm 119. I’d rather it be you. For three thousand nights, you wished me good night and now nothing. Oh how I wish I had not taken them for granted.

Tears like Rain

Z. making my way, new way of life

Who is this girl that weeps endlessly? Certainly not anyone that I know–certainly not– because she would never let anyone see her cry.

I have no idea where they come from but they don’t stop. Tears like rain, I never understood that expression before. This morning, I woke up crying and not just sniff -sniff crying but full out sobbing. I had cried in quiet for so many years that the explosion of sobs that came from within me sounded like thunder in my ears. The sound of my sobbing was foreign to me. I didn’t understand where they kept coming from.

Cousin T. called to check on me. Mostly in response to my text “when does the crying stop?” She told me it was good and that I should cry, cry, cry. I told her that it wasn’t a choice, it was just happening. She reminded me that I was mourning the loss of my marriage. She said no matter, whether good or bad, no one knows the love I had for you and therefore they cannot be expected to understand the sadness that I feel.

I got out of bed today at noon. Might I add, a completely inappropriate time to go out and about in this small town on a Sunday when all the church traffic was descending on the businesses and I wanted to stay anonymous. But I had to get out, mostly because I felt it was the right thing to do. I will admit that staying in bed seemed like a good option at 11:59 am, but at noon, the reality struck me that I needed to move. So I headed into town and successfully avoided the masses by driving to an obscure store to get a phone charger that plugs into the wall. I “will” my phone to ring and hear your voice or see your name come up on the text message log, but it doesn’t.

I was looking back at a journal entry I wrote five days after D-day (Disclosure day). As often happens in my journal, I start out writing and it turns into a prayer. I do pray for her,  and I can’t say why, just that she come to my heart when I start to pray. I also pray for you, my husband. I pray that you and I will come to a place of reconciliation however, as I prayed on this one particular day… I accepted that there was no obligation that you must repent or apologize in order for me to heal. That’s what I’m realizing…. that I have to heal on my own. And I do hope that you will seek help as well. Your choice brought about a consequence that only you have to bear, but the burden of that choice is felt by all of us. Part of my healing will involve leaving our rental. The memories are too much for me and I can’t stay. It’s so quiet that I hear echoes of our relationship when my mind stops its restless rambling. And the echoes coupled with the emptiness are just mirrors of how I feel.

I’m working on a plan to get moved the best I can. I know that several weeks will pass before you can get your stuff out of here. I need to go, I want to stay but I can’t. I also can’t believe that in our almost 11 years together, I never packed or unpacked for us…either from your apartment to mine, our apartment to the house, our house to the basement, or the basement to the rental. And now, it’s overwhelming to me that I need to consider what is “yours” and what is “mine.” I’m trying to be very grown up about it but I feel like a child. It also occurred to me that no one is around to get things off the top shelf for me. When you met me I had rabbit ears on my TV, and my toolbox consisted of a butter knife, which served as a screwdriver and a hammer, which served as everything else. I’m going to have to learn how to really vacuum and to use a plunger (although if I recall correctly, that wasn’t a problem for me as much as for you). <smile>

As I was out and before I left my parents this afternoon, there was a moment of recognition of a life that might exist in the future. And I got what you said on our way to Atlanta that day you left for a week. You saw a future for you and for me but not for us together. I got it…and maybe one day when the pain subsides, I really will be able to pass you on the street and smile and maybe we’d get coffee or in my case hot chocolate. Only this time, I promise I won’t spill it on my sweater or your chair. Could we actually be friends and good ones? I’d like to think so. I’ve always been on your side, your greatest advocate and I will always wish you could have my eyes to see how much you have accomplished over the years. In all sincerity, I do believe your dad would be proud of you.

The phone accounts still haven’t split and you should know that I still check the chat log. The entries look so “normal.” Now that you are with her, there isn’t the steady stream of texts with her name like visual diarrhea to my eyes. What was once a reminder of how far from me you were now seems to be the very thing that still makes me feel connected to you.