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The Fourth D

Z. making my way, new way of life, Uncategorized , , , , , ,

Its been almost a year, yes a year, since my last post. The release I felt in writing that post has carried me far and then on some level not far enough. I still think about M. Only now, I’m content with the memory. Admittedly, sometimes it lingers a bit longer than I want it to, but when it’s gone, I dont feel so hollow.

In my last post I spoke about my three D’s and how I was waiting for the 4th one… Deliverence. I’m still holding out for that but God did give me a fourth “D”.

After a very emotionaly charged weekend which included copious amounts of frozen pizza and cookies, I sat on my bed and in the stillness of the night said aloud, God, I would like a boyfriend and a dog. Boy, if that statement doesn’t show my state of mind– clearly I wanted companionship. HA!

The next morning, after said binge weekend, I decided that I needed to swear off solid food and decided to get a smoothie. As I was walking out of the smoothie shop, there was a little puppy running loose in the parking lot. I distinctly remember saying to myself, “aww, look at that little puppy.” Next thing I see is the puppy running towards the main street. I paused for a second certain that someone was chasing it but nope, nothing. So I said, in an effort to divert its path towards the street, Hey buddy, hey buddy. The puppy ran directly to me, jumped INTO my car, went to the back seat and fell asleep. I remember standing there with my smoothie in my hand expecting someone to come running after it. Nothing. I was in shock. All I knew was that I needed to get to work and what was I supposed to do with a puppy? I was wearing a belt that day, something I do once every 10 years, so I fashioned my belt into a leash and took the puppy to a vet to see if she was microchipped. Nope. I posted notices in the neighborhood, notified animal control. Nothing. After three days, I decided that I could not keep a puppy – I was barely keeping myself – so I surrendered her to animal control. No one picked her. The Humane Society took her in (phew, she wasn’t going to be euthanized) but still no one claimed or choose this sweet puppy. And each day, I watched the Humane Society’s facebook page and went to adoption events that they held and still no one choose her. Each night my heart felt more and more conviction – was this MY dog? Did God actually give me a dog? Finally I couldn’t take it, I submitted my application, paid the fee and brought home my sweet Khaleesi/Cassie/Sydney/Bellatrix and finally the name that she actually accepted and suited her, Maggie May.

That was nine months ago and I’ve never looked back. I shamelessly love on her, kiss her nose and rub her belly on demand. I buy her toys and treats not because I have to but because how can I not? I laugh at her antics and constantly say to myself, I can’t believe its only been 9 months, she feels like she has been a part of my life forever. And for her birthday I am throwing her a birthday party at her favorite doggie day camp, complete with treat bags for the other dogs and pizza for the staff.

When I tell the story I say that I went back to the smoothie shop the next day in hopes of seeing that glorious man who would become my boyfriend, but alas no such luck. And when I get to the part of how I rescued MM, I have to pause and say, no, I think she rescued me.

 

 

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What Are You Waiting For?

Z. memories, new way of life, Uncategorized, what I wish I knew , , , ,

Take your records, take your freedom, Take your memories, I don’t need them…. Keith Urban

Packing up my things uncovered a lot of memories. We’ve been taking selfies for ten years. I have entire albums of our selfies, micro-documents of memories that we made. I found our box full of ticket stubs…arena football games, movies, ASU vs. anyone football, hotel matchbooks from anniversaries, Mr. & Mrs. place-cards from weddings we attended and pictures, lots of pictures.

I found emails you sent to me professing your love. Your love letters were digital, but it didn’t stop me from printing them out and keeping them. I reread them. Bad move. I took the mix CD you made me (think Ducky, Pretty in Pink) and played it one last time. Again, another bad move. I kept that CD in my car faithfully from May 2003 when you gave it to me until today. I reread the handwritten cover note one last time. You will never know how many times I listened to those songs and read that cover note. For the seven years you were struggling with the pain of the auto accident to the dependency on prescription pain pills to the stint in rehab to the struggles with your depression to the happy times that you were truly present with me…. Good and bad times, I would pull out that CD and find a familiar song to carry with me throughout the day. Tonight, I added my own note to the cover and tossed it and those old emails into a box of your things. I don’t need them anymore.

I watched Tommy Boy tonight and it took everything in me to not send you a text with quotes from the movie. I will always feel badly for the friends who watched movies with us. The way we would quote lines both actual and ones that we made up. The way we would ask questions knowing that the next line in the movie or in the song was the answer. We loved to laugh at ourselves.

No doubt you will give her a mix CD or a song to think of you, laugh at the same movies we laughed at, take silly photos and recite movie lines, listen to the one hit wonders of the 80’s. She will think you carefree and fun… I will know you recycled my life and gave it to her.

You alone must forever bear the consequences associated with your choices. I, too, will however bear the weight of that decision for the rest of my life. It’s been 25 days since D-Day. Do you think about me? Do you think about what we had? Do you think about what you lost? Or do you think about how good life is for you now with your new job. Do you relish your “role” as right-hand man? Do you think that you’ve gained some freedom? Do you still feel justified in your actions – telling people that we “mutually” grew apart? You should know that I am calling “bullshit” on that one from now until forever. You are the last person I need trying to protect my feelings by saying it was mutual – you didn’t want to say that you had an affair (are having an affair.) Let me be clear again, you wanted nothing to do with reconciling and were dismissive of me because I wanted to save our marriage.

As you pack up your things and move on with your new life, I don’t doubt that you will toss any memory of us into the trash. Why make it just metaphorically? Do it for real, throw it all away, no reason for sentimentality now. You should know that I’m still surprised that for someone who just 25 days ago was convinced he didn’t want anything to do with me or be married to me, that you are dragging your feet on severing the connections you have with me. You still have not signed the bank paperwork to split the account access and Verizon hasn’t separated our accounts yet (grrr) because you haven’t made one call to say that you are taking your own line.

What are you waiting for? Just do it. You are the one that wanted this.

The Back-up Wife? Nice nickname.

Z. making my way, new way of life, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

Thou shall not commit adultery. The plaque of the Ten Commandments in OUR living room.

I moved out of our rental. You worked a Red Cross event. Isn’t it ironic that you will come to the aid of a perfect stranger but wouldn’t do anything to help your own family in crisis? I love how you go on with your life as if it’s just another Saturday. As if 23 days ago, you weren’t telling me that you had an affair and that just 15 days ago, you had not packed up your stuff and moved to her house. I look at the Ten Commandments plaque that YOU hung on our wall- I think you forgot to read it. But you shouldn’t have to read that committing adultery is a sin, let alone illegal. What about thou shall not lie. Hmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for you either. What about having no other gods before the one true God—you seem to have exalted yourself into that role of doing what you wanted at the expense of everyone else.

I used to think that things came easy for you and to be honest, I still do; however, what I’ve come to realize is that they don’t stay easy for you. It’s been just 23 days and your shine is tarnishing. It’s amazing to me that you have no sense of remorse. I don’t understand how you cannot feel the least bit sorry or sad about what you’ve done to another person — and by that I mean her. You may have hurt me because I am your wife, but you have hurt her reputation. You walk around in a bubble thinking that people don’t know what she did and whom she did it with? You are a married man. She was the girl who didn’t get you first and she’s not even going to be the girl to get you last. She is just a girl…shiny and used and one that makes you feel special because you don’t know how to be satisfied within your own self.

As I think about conversations we used to have, you used to tell me that you hated that we were poor, we weren’t poor, but you didn’t do anything about trying to help the household save money. You hated that we didn’t do things anymore…I’m not sure when you thought “we” were going to do things since you were always off with your friends. Well, let me clarify, when you said friends you were meeting her.

I asked you if you used protection that night and you said it wasn’t planned. Funny, because you had time to send a text to get your shift covered at work… if you had time to send a text, you had time to get a condom. Then to hear that you both walked into work together the next morning… really? There was no walk of shame, you felt perfectly justified in your actions and paraded that poor girl around like a trophy. I found out you referred to her  as the “back-up wife”. You don’t even consider her good enough to be anything more than a back-up? How does that not tell her everything she needs to know about you at that moment?

I respected you and the situation we were in enough to say that I did not want to speak with you while you were on vacation so that you could think about us and I asked if you would ask the same of her. You didn’t ask her and she certainly didn’t let you alone to think about things. Your chat log was on fire! I’m not surprised that you told our Preacher that you didn’t have time to check in with me throughout the day. I’m amazed you had time to get your work done… 1800 texts in a fifty-two day span! Is it a wonder why I told you the first thing we were doing was getting you off of my phone plan?

I understand that this happened to her in her first marriage and I’ve come to understand that she didn’t want to “lose” again, so she wasn’t going to let you go. You see, if you had come back to me, it would have validated her feelings (wrong as they are) that she has for herself— that not only was she not enough for her own husband but she also wasn’t enough for her lover. I am NOT saying that she’s not worth it because that is my prayer for her—that she would heal from the hurt she has been carrying around all these years and realize that there is more to her than being this other woman. She doesn’t need to find her value in the affections of men but rather realize that she is more valuable than gold to her Heavenly Father. But all I can do is continue to pray for both of you.

I didn’t think that I could pray for the Lord to “deal” with you. I love you and for those we love, we don’t want them to go to Hell. So if it takes the Lord dealing with you in the manner of your health, your work, and your strength than so be it. There are only two choices, Heaven or Hell and you know the saving grace of God but you need to get right with Him. He knows your heart and now so do I. Going to another church isn’t going to change His line of sight. He still sees you for what you are, not who you are trying to be in front of a new group of people. I shudder to think that you might be bringing her with you and the spiritual direction you are trying to provide.

I used to see and hope for the best in you but if what I received was the best then this divorce is the best thing for me. You hurt me but you are no longer in control of me. You held my heart in your hands and crushed it but the Lord can restore me greater than before and in that crushing produce a diamond. You see I am precious in His sight, even if I wasn’t in yours. You didn’t deserve me as a wife.