divorce

The Back-up Wife? Nice nickname.

Z. making my way, new way of life, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

Thou shall not commit adultery. The plaque of the Ten Commandments in OUR living room.

I moved out of our rental. You worked a Red Cross event. Isn’t it ironic that you will come to the aid of a perfect stranger but wouldn’t do anything to help your own family in crisis? I love how you go on with your life as if it’s just another Saturday. As if 23 days ago, you weren’t telling me that you had an affair and that just 15 days ago, you had not packed up your stuff and moved to her house. I look at the Ten Commandments plaque that YOU hung on our wall- I think you forgot to read it. But you shouldn’t have to read that committing adultery is a sin, let alone illegal. What about thou shall not lie. Hmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for you either. What about having no other gods before the one true God—you seem to have exalted yourself into that role of doing what you wanted at the expense of everyone else.

I used to think that things came easy for you and to be honest, I still do; however, what I’ve come to realize is that they don’t stay easy for you. It’s been just 23 days and your shine is tarnishing. It’s amazing to me that you have no sense of remorse. I don’t understand how you cannot feel the least bit sorry or sad about what you’ve done to another person — and by that I mean her. You may have hurt me because I am your wife, but you have hurt her reputation. You walk around in a bubble thinking that people don’t know what she did and whom she did it with? You are a married man. She was the girl who didn’t get you first and she’s not even going to be the girl to get you last. She is just a girl…shiny and used and one that makes you feel special because you don’t know how to be satisfied within your own self.

As I think about conversations we used to have, you used to tell me that you hated that we were poor, we weren’t poor, but you didn’t do anything about trying to help the household save money. You hated that we didn’t do things anymore…I’m not sure when you thought “we” were going to do things since you were always off with your friends. Well, let me clarify, when you said friends you were meeting her.

I asked you if you used protection that night and you said it wasn’t planned. Funny, because you had time to send a text to get your shift covered at work… if you had time to send a text, you had time to get a condom. Then to hear that you both walked into work together the next morning… really? There was no walk of shame, you felt perfectly justified in your actions and paraded that poor girl around like a trophy. I found out you referred to her  as the “back-up wife”. You don’t even consider her good enough to be anything more than a back-up? How does that not tell her everything she needs to know about you at that moment?

I respected you and the situation we were in enough to say that I did not want to speak with you while you were on vacation so that you could think about us and I asked if you would ask the same of her. You didn’t ask her and she certainly didn’t let you alone to think about things. Your chat log was on fire! I’m not surprised that you told our Preacher that you didn’t have time to check in with me throughout the day. I’m amazed you had time to get your work done… 1800 texts in a fifty-two day span! Is it a wonder why I told you the first thing we were doing was getting you off of my phone plan?

I understand that this happened to her in her first marriage and I’ve come to understand that she didn’t want to “lose” again, so she wasn’t going to let you go. You see, if you had come back to me, it would have validated her feelings (wrong as they are) that she has for herself— that not only was she not enough for her own husband but she also wasn’t enough for her lover. I am NOT saying that she’s not worth it because that is my prayer for her—that she would heal from the hurt she has been carrying around all these years and realize that there is more to her than being this other woman. She doesn’t need to find her value in the affections of men but rather realize that she is more valuable than gold to her Heavenly Father. But all I can do is continue to pray for both of you.

I didn’t think that I could pray for the Lord to “deal” with you. I love you and for those we love, we don’t want them to go to Hell. So if it takes the Lord dealing with you in the manner of your health, your work, and your strength than so be it. There are only two choices, Heaven or Hell and you know the saving grace of God but you need to get right with Him. He knows your heart and now so do I. Going to another church isn’t going to change His line of sight. He still sees you for what you are, not who you are trying to be in front of a new group of people. I shudder to think that you might be bringing her with you and the spiritual direction you are trying to provide.

I used to see and hope for the best in you but if what I received was the best then this divorce is the best thing for me. You hurt me but you are no longer in control of me. You held my heart in your hands and crushed it but the Lord can restore me greater than before and in that crushing produce a diamond. You see I am precious in His sight, even if I wasn’t in yours. You didn’t deserve me as a wife.

Move over Hallmark

Z. what I wish I knew , , ,

When you (don’t) care enough to send the best, apparently you send a text.

“It has been filed.” That was the text from the lawyer.

“How awkward is it that I know Judge X. Oh well. LOL”. That was the text from you.

It’s nice to see that you care.  Me.

Running Numbers

Z. looking ahead, making my way, new way of life , , , , , , , , ,

I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? Tom Hanks, Castaway

I’ve been asked a lot of questions, and I ask a lot of questions myself. We had a joke for it when we were together – you said I was “running numbers.” Well, I’m running a lot of numbers lately, trying to figure things out and having moments of clarity accepting that there are things I will never know.

You left me to deal with our church family and our friends. When asked Where are you? I now reply “You have made some choices and decisions that mean you will not be around anymore.” For a period of time, I contemplated simply saying that you had an affair, you didn’t want to reconcile and we are getting a divorce. I struggled with trying to protect you and I don’t know why. You didn’t have an affair, you are having an affair…we are still married and you are still with her. There is no effort to show me how much you are sorry regardless of what you say.

What hurts the most, the fact that he said those things on D-day or that you are no longer his woman? This one took less time to answer than I expected. It really is a combination of both. In recent months, your actions were more cooled towards me. I attributed that to your extra work schedule and the stress you were under while working two jobs, albeit part-time jobs. I didn’t realize it was the stress of living a lie. One of my concerns that I shared directly with you was that you didn’t make me feel like I was a priority to you. If you wanted me to sit next to you at church, then you would have saved a spot for me, but you didn’t. You wouldn’t withhold affection, you would want to hold my hand, you wouldn’t walk three feet in front of me, you wouldn’t jump at the offer of a friend to go hang out and leave me at home. So hearing you say that there wasn’t a spark between us, that you weren’t “in love” with me, that there wasn’t anything in me worth fighting for would have only been words if they had not been validated by your actions. So what hurts is that your actions backed what you said and that’s why I can’t accept your apologies right now. They aren’t just words to me.

How are you? (Meaning me) Well, at this moment I am (insert assorted answers.) At any given moment I go through a range of emotions. I realize that I’m like the Georgia weather…don’t like it? Give it five minutes and it will change. One lesson you taught me is an old AA technique: if I don’t have a beer right now, I can have one in an hour. I’ve applied that technique a lot lately but sometimes I can’t wait an hour and I have to just get through the next minute. If I don’t cry right now, I can cry in a minute. And the next minute, if I don’t cry right now, I can cry in two minutes.

Why are you paying for the divorce? Well, I’m not paying for it, but I am paying half. And after that, I really don’t have a reason.

How can you forgive him? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

How can you not hate him or her? Love… And I don’t mean my love for him, but rather the love of my Heavenly Father for me. ….And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:2 (NIV)

Where is he going to live? I don’t know but yes, I do care. The Lord has blessed him with a great opportunity at a new job and whether he succeeds or fails is up to him.

Are you going to move back to Arizona? Tempting but no. I have created a life here that will go on even without him in my life. And now maybe I will be the one taking the opportunity for the one available ticket.

Now what? Well, I guess I will continue to rise up each morning and breathe in and out and pray that tomorrow will be a bit easier than today and I won’t have to remind myself to breathe.

No Doubt

Z. looking ahead, memories, new way of life, what I wish I knew , , , , , , , , ,

I’m trying to pack and I can’t. It’s not the physical task involved, it’s the emotional weight that putting things in boxes represents. Each time that moving boxes have been involved, there has been some life-changing event that we’ve always tackled together and now I’m left to pack up my own stuff and you will come later and pack up your own stuff. And maybe it’s that your stuff is the “big stuff” so no matter how much I accomplish, to anyone looking in from the outside it doesn’t look like much has changed.

My craft studio contains so much “stuff”…. Stuff that I did by myself. Each piece of paper, each inkpad, each stamp was selected by me. It was mine and I spent a lot of time in that studio. I always said that I was blessed to have a husband who let me have a space of my own. I bragged about your support of what I did and I was thankful that you never held it against me. I was grateful for the opportunity that my little crafts would bring and the cash that would come with those opportunities. Often, they paid for some extra groceries or even take-home when we’d do dinner and a movie from the comfort of our living room.

Your space consisted of the couch or the bed. No matter which, you always had your computer and were always playing online games. I didn’t fuss at it because like you let me have my space, I figured you needed yours… a way to just find time for your mind to unwind. Looking back, it was just a way for us to not talk — to have Netflix playing in the background, to share a common laugh or gasp at what was going on, but we forgot to talk to each other.

I remember saying to you as we were driving to the airport before you trip, and after a particularly tough weekend of talking through a lot of things, that I felt closer to you than I had in a long time and yet, I couldn’t just reach over and hold your hand. We dealt with a lot of feelings those first two days…D-weekend. It’s a shame we couldn’t deal with them earlier.

You sent me a text that said you were sorry that you couldn’t share your feelings in a way that I understood. So am I. You said that if I had only asked if something was going on, that you would have told me. I should not have had to ask. You said that you were sorry you let it get as far as it did. I agree. And yet again, I wonder, is it easier to say sorry now… now that you are sure this is over?

I paid my half of the lawyer’s fees; will you pay yours? You were so anxious for this to end and confident that it would just 19 days ago but you struggle to come up with the full half of your responsibility? You tell me you have just $8 in your wallet until payday and I want so badly to offer you some money so that you can get some new pants for work but I don’t. There are things I want to tell you but don’t. Things that I think you should know, things that would make your life a bit easier but I won’t.

You see, for so long, I was always taking care of the loose ends while you were making deals. And now, you say you go from couch to couch between two homes, one being hers and the other a woman who knew exactly what was going on and didn’t speak up. I know where each lives and it doesn’t make sense. You are always driving her car no matter where you say you slept. I think you are lying and even if you aren’t there isn’t much now that would convince me otherwise. I question your questions, I question your answers, and I question your motives.

Yesterday, I received a text from you asking me if I was going to “shaft” you with the rest of the bills (namely, because the house bills are all in your name). Where in the world did that come from? Again, my response to you is have I proven myself to be so unfaithful to you and my responsibilities to this marriage that you doubt I would continue? You have no sense of boundaries with the chatter that is going on around you. You doubt me, because you doubt yourself.

But you see, I don’t doubt you. I don’t doubt that you will find a way to figure it out. I don’t doubt that you will have your cake and eat it too, I don’t doubt that you will come out of this feeling as if you have been justified in all of your actions and I don’t doubt that you will wake up one day and realize that I’m gone.

Queue Stupid Boy by Keith Urban

It’s Just a Scratch

Z. new way of life , , , , , , , ,

I am a fool for having loved you and a fool for loving you still.

This would be much easier if it were going on like television divorces. There has been no throwing of dishes or plates of food or malicious attacks of character, no serving of papers, no sitting across from each other in a conference room fighting over the turkey platter which was used once in ten years.

In fact, tears blinded my sight as I signed the acknowledgement of divorce. I am the plaintiff, you are the defendant, and you will sign the paperwork tomorrow. It will then cross someone’s desk and we will be nothing but a case number …and a statistic. The lawyer spoke plainly as I sat there listening to the explanation of paperwork and trying desperately to hold it together until I got back to the car, my car.

“My” car… you signed the car title over to me. We got the car back when we were young and arrogant. I remember pulling into the dealership knowing you told them to pull one in every color to the front of the lot so that I could just pick my favorite. They did and I did and now it’s a reflection of our marriage… many, many miles, a few scratches and one big dent that can’t be denied or unseen.

I can’t un-know what you did and you can’t undo the chain of events that have since followed. Has it really just been eighteen days? It only takes twenty-one to form a habit. When I looked back over the phone text logs after D-day, your new habit formed in much less time. And now, you will start your new life with a new car and a new girl, both shiny and new, and I will be left with a ding that can’t be denied.

The more I see that ding in the car’s bumper, the less severe it becomes and I wonder the same of me. Each day that I’m further removed from D-day becomes a bit easier and I wonder if you will slowly start to fade from my memory. We talk now as if we will be in each other’s lives for years but I can’t help but wonder if that is wise. I look back to the model that your family provides… a collection of broken relationships that gather each year at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Friendly enough but the occasional dig comes out and I don’t want that to be us. I told you on D-Day that forgiveness meant I wouldn’t hold this over your head. I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to keep that promise, as evidenced by our conversation with the lawyer last week.

Our life together ends much like it started… with me working days and you working nights. It’s funny how that seems to be the pattern that starts off your relationships. Relationship – is that what you have with her? It still makes me nauseous. I told you on D-day that if you left you would never, ever come back to me and that I would never look back. Well, we know that the second part is not true. I have told you I would look back and that I will remember, both the good and the bad. However, the first part is very true and I will hold to it tightly. You will not come back to me.

I’m only now realize that might include friendship. Your life will one day lead you to know that you did have a good thing in me and that the only reason you find it easy to say that you are now sorry is because of the certainty that this chapter of your life is over. You crave being the hero – having the final say. Even that night, you tried to minimize the situation. You were unprepared for my response because you believed that by telling me that you had an affair, it would make it easier for me to tell you that I wanted out. You told me you felt like you were holding me back and that I couldn’t tell you that I wanted out. If you felt like you were holding me back then you should have stepped up and encouraged me to be more.

Thinking back to the ding in the car, you talked about getting it fixed but never did. Again, another reminder of how it is like our marriage. You saw something that needed to be taken care but instead of fixing it, you chose to ignore it. Yes, my ding may be here for awhile, but it can be restored and the part the replaces it will be stronger and more resilient. You see that is my new life – it may not be shiny and new but it will be stronger and more resilient.

Can you Repeat the Question?

Z. memories , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s hard to ask why, but even harder to ask what now? 

Seeing you at our meeting with the lawyer last week was different than I expected. I really thought that the site of you might make my heart fall or leap, I wasn’t sure which, but I certainly thought that I would feel something. But when I arrived, you barely looked up from your phone. We made small talk and chatted about your new job. You were cold… and I realize that while I am heartbroken, you may very well be the one with a broken heart.

And yes, to answer your question that day… I did feel better repeatedly saying to the lawyer that you had an affair, and by repeatedly, I mean repeatedly. I now realize that it wasn’t nice and I’m sorry. You should know that I truly don’t hate you but my heart hurts because you don’t seem to care.

I remember telling you on D-day that I wished you would just tell me you hated me because then there would at least be some emotion, not just the blank stare and clenched jaw. This is going to end; nobody wins. There is no race to the finish to get the gold medal. In about 45 days we will no longer be husband and wife. In 47 days we would have been celebrating our anniversary.

Eleven years ago, what drew me to you was the way you “played” life. You had friends with whom you had fun and you were your own person. You know that one of our biggest compliments we had of each other was that we had our own friends-we were our own person. We were not each other’s half—we were two wholes who came together. We each had our own source of fulfillment that complimented the other.

Your friends have now lost you as fast as I did, but they don’t get the courtesy of a goodbye or a why and it’s hard for me to know what to tell them. You understand that the facts remain, you had an affair, you didn’t want to reconcile and we are getting divorced. But I don’t want to be calloused in my responses, I can’t, that’s not me…anymore.

Maybe when I was still resentful towards you at the way that life was not getting any easier. You were taking trips out of state to see family and trips to chaperone youth events and fishing trips with your buddies. I would get up and go to work everyday to make sure things ran smoothly here. So it was very frustrating to hear you say that the final tipping point for not wanting to reconcile was that one of the littlest family members said they didn’t remember what I looked like. You took that as a sign of disinterest on my part. The part you easily forgot was that only one ticket was available and any extra funds were used to make sure you had travel and spending money.

Nevertheless, my heart found forgiveness for you and for that situation and I think that prepared me on some level for what was to come just a year later. I do forgive you, I forgive her, but forgiveness is for my benefit not yours. It is what is allowing me to carry on each day and go to work. It is what is allowing me to maintain a civil relationship with you and to look you in the eye and say very honestly that I do wish you well. It is only by the grace of God and the prayers of many friends and family that hold my heart right now that I can ask the question… why? And it is only that same grace and those same prayers that help me to understand that I will never get the answer that satisfies my soul but still begs the question. Now, all I can do is ask the question, “what now?” and step out in faith that I will get that answer.

Goodnight? No, Just Night

Z. making my way, new way of life, what I wish I knew , ,

There is only peace in the quiet when we believe that the sound will return.

Once a week we used to carpool. Today was that day. Today was the first time in four years that you didn’t drop me off at work, tell you me you loved me and that you’d see me at 4pm. I miss our routine… but the truth is that’s what got us to where we are now. After having lost everything and then having the chance to get into a rental home of our own, I think we just worked fast and hard to get back to what we used to have.

I was proud of myself for making the most of our budget and learning how to use coupons to get a box of name-brand cereal for $1.50. I was proud that thanks to coupons, we had not paid for toothpaste in over a year. I felt proudest when I could take four random ingredients from the cabinet and make something delicious & satisfying for my husband. I thought that I was making you happy and proud of me too. But really, I was just making an existence.

Everyone on the outside saw me as strong as I persevered through each day to keep a life for us. What people saw was the constant force in me that shouted S U R V I V E and I did. But in that, someone and something else didn’t—my husband and my marriage. I am by no means making excuses for you or even excusing the decision you made. Truth is, you made a choice and now there are consequences. You claimed there was no spark with us anymore. Well, your spark created a fire with someone else that you have to deal with now… and all you had to do was fan the flame at home. I recognize that we did probably sometimes function like roommates and fall into a routine. I accept that, but make no bones about it, I do not by any means think that gave you an excuse to go out and have an affair.

It’s late now and I purposely put off going to bed, our bed. Rest does not come easy nor does it last long. Remember how you used to read to me? I loved the sound of your voice as I fell asleep. Last night, I put on the audio read of Psalm 119 just to have the sense that someone was there with me reading me to sleep. Max McLean and I may develop a relationship through Psalm 119. I’d rather it be you. For three thousand nights, you wished me good night and now nothing. Oh how I wish I had not taken them for granted.