infidelity

Enough Already

Z. memories, new way of life, what I wish I knew , , , , ,

I feel like my life is a drinking game. Every time you lie, someone has to take a drink. We’re already on the second keg.

The question is “why are you getting divorced?” The answer is YOU wanted NOTHING to do with reconciling our marriage. Period. End of story.  Yet, when someone asks you why we are getting divorced you go into detail as to to why you felt justified to have an affair. Let me run through a few of them….  “we acted more like roommates than husband and wife, there was no spark between us, we mutually grew apart, it wasn’t much of a marriage, I wasn’t affectionate enough.” And then to me you say, “you never felt good enough for me, you always felt inadequate, you felt like you were holding me back, you loved me but you weren’t in love with me.” Enough already!

When telling your stories, how many times do you share that I immediately offered you forgiveness? That I said I would forgive you and forgive her and not hold it over your head? That I wouldn’t speak ill of either of you, that I would only show her kindness? How many times do you say that you asked me to wait one full week before deciding whether or not you wanted to move forward with me? How many times do you tell people that I left you at 9:30 pm that night and by 10:30 pm you were at HER house FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT?

For almost eleven years, I was in this marriage too. Do you think I was always satisfied? Always happy? Do you think I enjoyed the drug years and the side-effects that came (or didn’t come) with that? Do you think I enjoyed navigating the daily, sometimes hourly mood swings caused by your depression?  And yet, I didn’t have an affair, I didn’t go talking about the state of our marriage to strangers or even family. I stayed a part of this marriage, praying for it, fighting for it. You woke up one morning, realized that you didn’t like being married to me, you didn’t want to “work” at it and over the course of three weeks had put a plan into action.

You calculated everything. Starting with the fake “let’s go to counseling” conversations that  you brought up to me all the while you were with her. You wanted to save face with your friends and say “Look at me, I wanted this marriage to work—see I even suggested we go to counseling, but it didn’t work out. I guess we will have to get a divorce.” I asked you to talk to me, to tell me what was going on and you wouldn’t. You would shut down and say, “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have to ask.” Pure manipulation.  After we were separated you sent me a text saying that you were serious about counseling and that you did pray about our marriage. Stop lying. The timing of everything is recorded and can be pieced together by looking at your chat logs. Enough already!

I do know you failed to calculate the money. You sent me a text saying that you couldn’t just pull money out your a$$, so I might not get my half of the fee ($120) to get out of the rental right away. You said you didn’t have anyone to give you money, that you told your family and they were disappointed in you.  We had a conversation after we met with the lawyer the first time. We talked about the initial filing fee. I told you I had my full amount to pay the lawyer, you said you had borrowed $200 from “around here.”  What does that mean, “around here?” Was she or someone else going to pay for your divorce as well? Have you paid them back yet? Do they know that I gave you $2500 to buy you out of the interest of our car. That is half the blue book value and in hindsight, definitely more than you deserved. Do they know that the car you purchased only cost $2000 AND how you handed B $1500, not the agreed upon $2000? You told B that you’d pay him the rest when he got back into town …. in four months. There is $1200 afloat in there and you still haven’t paid the lawyer his $500.  Don’t delay this divorce you so desperately wanted just 45 days ago. PAY THE LAWYER!

Enough already. Aren’t you tired yet? Just take responsibility, will ya?

Going, Going, Gone

Z. looking ahead, making my way, new way of life , , , ,

The language… oh the language. I’m embarrassed that I sound like a sailor.

I find myself constantly apologizing to God, to my friends, to co-workers. I keep referring to you in some not kind words and I know better than that. In my grieving process, I’m apparently in the cursing stage. Hopefully it passes quickly because honestly its not me. I really don’t like foul language– I’ve always believed that with so many words in the English language I should certainly be able to come up with one that would work. Plus that’s not how I was raised and my mom would probably wash my mouth out with soap…that is, if she didn’t think the same of you as I do right now. But I’m sorry, its childish and you know me well enough to know that it not me.

There is a new part of me emerging. I wasn’t kidding when I said that as long as she is living my recycled life that I was free to get a new one. I’ve had more time to get to know my friends better. They have rallied around me in a way that still humbles me. The best part of receiving love is that you are energized to return it and show it to others. I am calmer, not every moment of my day is spent rehashing the events of D-day. Its as if their love and prayers carry me throughout the day. I will never be able to thank them enough and while I pray they don’t go through anything as life-shattering as I have been going through–I do pray that should their world get rocked that I can be the friend to them as they are to me.

I find that I have moments that I get excited to consider the new world that is mine. I think about venues around town, places that I can experience and explore without having to do a recon mission to scope it out to come home and prepare you for the environment. I really used to think you were spontaneous and maybe when we first met, you were; but as our years together passed, you weren’t as open to new experiences as you led people to believe.  Maybe it was just me, I’ll never know.

You called as sweet as can be asking for my help with your insurance and the pharmacy. This was quite the change from the two phone conversations just 24 and 48 hours prior.  Sometimes, I’m not sure if I’m coming or going. No that’s not true, I’m definitely going. I’m going to be stronger, I’m going to be smarter and I’m going to one day find someone that will love me the way that I deserve to be loved.

The Back-up Wife? Nice nickname.

Z. making my way, new way of life, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

Thou shall not commit adultery. The plaque of the Ten Commandments in OUR living room.

I moved out of our rental. You worked a Red Cross event. Isn’t it ironic that you will come to the aid of a perfect stranger but wouldn’t do anything to help your own family in crisis? I love how you go on with your life as if it’s just another Saturday. As if 23 days ago, you weren’t telling me that you had an affair and that just 15 days ago, you had not packed up your stuff and moved to her house. I look at the Ten Commandments plaque that YOU hung on our wall- I think you forgot to read it. But you shouldn’t have to read that committing adultery is a sin, let alone illegal. What about thou shall not lie. Hmm, that didn’t seem to be a problem for you either. What about having no other gods before the one true God—you seem to have exalted yourself into that role of doing what you wanted at the expense of everyone else.

I used to think that things came easy for you and to be honest, I still do; however, what I’ve come to realize is that they don’t stay easy for you. It’s been just 23 days and your shine is tarnishing. It’s amazing to me that you have no sense of remorse. I don’t understand how you cannot feel the least bit sorry or sad about what you’ve done to another person — and by that I mean her. You may have hurt me because I am your wife, but you have hurt her reputation. You walk around in a bubble thinking that people don’t know what she did and whom she did it with? You are a married man. She was the girl who didn’t get you first and she’s not even going to be the girl to get you last. She is just a girl…shiny and used and one that makes you feel special because you don’t know how to be satisfied within your own self.

As I think about conversations we used to have, you used to tell me that you hated that we were poor, we weren’t poor, but you didn’t do anything about trying to help the household save money. You hated that we didn’t do things anymore…I’m not sure when you thought “we” were going to do things since you were always off with your friends. Well, let me clarify, when you said friends you were meeting her.

I asked you if you used protection that night and you said it wasn’t planned. Funny, because you had time to send a text to get your shift covered at work… if you had time to send a text, you had time to get a condom. Then to hear that you both walked into work together the next morning… really? There was no walk of shame, you felt perfectly justified in your actions and paraded that poor girl around like a trophy. I found out you referred to her  as the “back-up wife”. You don’t even consider her good enough to be anything more than a back-up? How does that not tell her everything she needs to know about you at that moment?

I respected you and the situation we were in enough to say that I did not want to speak with you while you were on vacation so that you could think about us and I asked if you would ask the same of her. You didn’t ask her and she certainly didn’t let you alone to think about things. Your chat log was on fire! I’m not surprised that you told our Preacher that you didn’t have time to check in with me throughout the day. I’m amazed you had time to get your work done… 1800 texts in a fifty-two day span! Is it a wonder why I told you the first thing we were doing was getting you off of my phone plan?

I understand that this happened to her in her first marriage and I’ve come to understand that she didn’t want to “lose” again, so she wasn’t going to let you go. You see, if you had come back to me, it would have validated her feelings (wrong as they are) that she has for herself— that not only was she not enough for her own husband but she also wasn’t enough for her lover. I am NOT saying that she’s not worth it because that is my prayer for her—that she would heal from the hurt she has been carrying around all these years and realize that there is more to her than being this other woman. She doesn’t need to find her value in the affections of men but rather realize that she is more valuable than gold to her Heavenly Father. But all I can do is continue to pray for both of you.

I didn’t think that I could pray for the Lord to “deal” with you. I love you and for those we love, we don’t want them to go to Hell. So if it takes the Lord dealing with you in the manner of your health, your work, and your strength than so be it. There are only two choices, Heaven or Hell and you know the saving grace of God but you need to get right with Him. He knows your heart and now so do I. Going to another church isn’t going to change His line of sight. He still sees you for what you are, not who you are trying to be in front of a new group of people. I shudder to think that you might be bringing her with you and the spiritual direction you are trying to provide.

I used to see and hope for the best in you but if what I received was the best then this divorce is the best thing for me. You hurt me but you are no longer in control of me. You held my heart in your hands and crushed it but the Lord can restore me greater than before and in that crushing produce a diamond. You see I am precious in His sight, even if I wasn’t in yours. You didn’t deserve me as a wife.

Running Numbers

Z. looking ahead, making my way, new way of life , , , , , , , , ,

I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? Tom Hanks, Castaway

I’ve been asked a lot of questions, and I ask a lot of questions myself. We had a joke for it when we were together – you said I was “running numbers.” Well, I’m running a lot of numbers lately, trying to figure things out and having moments of clarity accepting that there are things I will never know.

You left me to deal with our church family and our friends. When asked Where are you? I now reply “You have made some choices and decisions that mean you will not be around anymore.” For a period of time, I contemplated simply saying that you had an affair, you didn’t want to reconcile and we are getting a divorce. I struggled with trying to protect you and I don’t know why. You didn’t have an affair, you are having an affair…we are still married and you are still with her. There is no effort to show me how much you are sorry regardless of what you say.

What hurts the most, the fact that he said those things on D-day or that you are no longer his woman? This one took less time to answer than I expected. It really is a combination of both. In recent months, your actions were more cooled towards me. I attributed that to your extra work schedule and the stress you were under while working two jobs, albeit part-time jobs. I didn’t realize it was the stress of living a lie. One of my concerns that I shared directly with you was that you didn’t make me feel like I was a priority to you. If you wanted me to sit next to you at church, then you would have saved a spot for me, but you didn’t. You wouldn’t withhold affection, you would want to hold my hand, you wouldn’t walk three feet in front of me, you wouldn’t jump at the offer of a friend to go hang out and leave me at home. So hearing you say that there wasn’t a spark between us, that you weren’t “in love” with me, that there wasn’t anything in me worth fighting for would have only been words if they had not been validated by your actions. So what hurts is that your actions backed what you said and that’s why I can’t accept your apologies right now. They aren’t just words to me.

How are you? (Meaning me) Well, at this moment I am (insert assorted answers.) At any given moment I go through a range of emotions. I realize that I’m like the Georgia weather…don’t like it? Give it five minutes and it will change. One lesson you taught me is an old AA technique: if I don’t have a beer right now, I can have one in an hour. I’ve applied that technique a lot lately but sometimes I can’t wait an hour and I have to just get through the next minute. If I don’t cry right now, I can cry in a minute. And the next minute, if I don’t cry right now, I can cry in two minutes.

Why are you paying for the divorce? Well, I’m not paying for it, but I am paying half. And after that, I really don’t have a reason.

How can you forgive him? Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

How can you not hate him or her? Love… And I don’t mean my love for him, but rather the love of my Heavenly Father for me. ….And walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:2 (NIV)

Where is he going to live? I don’t know but yes, I do care. The Lord has blessed him with a great opportunity at a new job and whether he succeeds or fails is up to him.

Are you going to move back to Arizona? Tempting but no. I have created a life here that will go on even without him in my life. And now maybe I will be the one taking the opportunity for the one available ticket.

Now what? Well, I guess I will continue to rise up each morning and breathe in and out and pray that tomorrow will be a bit easier than today and I won’t have to remind myself to breathe.

It’s Just a Scratch

Z. new way of life , , , , , , , ,

I am a fool for having loved you and a fool for loving you still.

This would be much easier if it were going on like television divorces. There has been no throwing of dishes or plates of food or malicious attacks of character, no serving of papers, no sitting across from each other in a conference room fighting over the turkey platter which was used once in ten years.

In fact, tears blinded my sight as I signed the acknowledgement of divorce. I am the plaintiff, you are the defendant, and you will sign the paperwork tomorrow. It will then cross someone’s desk and we will be nothing but a case number …and a statistic. The lawyer spoke plainly as I sat there listening to the explanation of paperwork and trying desperately to hold it together until I got back to the car, my car.

“My” car… you signed the car title over to me. We got the car back when we were young and arrogant. I remember pulling into the dealership knowing you told them to pull one in every color to the front of the lot so that I could just pick my favorite. They did and I did and now it’s a reflection of our marriage… many, many miles, a few scratches and one big dent that can’t be denied or unseen.

I can’t un-know what you did and you can’t undo the chain of events that have since followed. Has it really just been eighteen days? It only takes twenty-one to form a habit. When I looked back over the phone text logs after D-day, your new habit formed in much less time. And now, you will start your new life with a new car and a new girl, both shiny and new, and I will be left with a ding that can’t be denied.

The more I see that ding in the car’s bumper, the less severe it becomes and I wonder the same of me. Each day that I’m further removed from D-day becomes a bit easier and I wonder if you will slowly start to fade from my memory. We talk now as if we will be in each other’s lives for years but I can’t help but wonder if that is wise. I look back to the model that your family provides… a collection of broken relationships that gather each year at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Friendly enough but the occasional dig comes out and I don’t want that to be us. I told you on D-Day that forgiveness meant I wouldn’t hold this over your head. I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to keep that promise, as evidenced by our conversation with the lawyer last week.

Our life together ends much like it started… with me working days and you working nights. It’s funny how that seems to be the pattern that starts off your relationships. Relationship – is that what you have with her? It still makes me nauseous. I told you on D-day that if you left you would never, ever come back to me and that I would never look back. Well, we know that the second part is not true. I have told you I would look back and that I will remember, both the good and the bad. However, the first part is very true and I will hold to it tightly. You will not come back to me.

I’m only now realize that might include friendship. Your life will one day lead you to know that you did have a good thing in me and that the only reason you find it easy to say that you are now sorry is because of the certainty that this chapter of your life is over. You crave being the hero – having the final say. Even that night, you tried to minimize the situation. You were unprepared for my response because you believed that by telling me that you had an affair, it would make it easier for me to tell you that I wanted out. You told me you felt like you were holding me back and that I couldn’t tell you that I wanted out. If you felt like you were holding me back then you should have stepped up and encouraged me to be more.

Thinking back to the ding in the car, you talked about getting it fixed but never did. Again, another reminder of how it is like our marriage. You saw something that needed to be taken care but instead of fixing it, you chose to ignore it. Yes, my ding may be here for awhile, but it can be restored and the part the replaces it will be stronger and more resilient. You see that is my new life – it may not be shiny and new but it will be stronger and more resilient.

Can you Repeat the Question?

Z. memories , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s hard to ask why, but even harder to ask what now? 

Seeing you at our meeting with the lawyer last week was different than I expected. I really thought that the site of you might make my heart fall or leap, I wasn’t sure which, but I certainly thought that I would feel something. But when I arrived, you barely looked up from your phone. We made small talk and chatted about your new job. You were cold… and I realize that while I am heartbroken, you may very well be the one with a broken heart.

And yes, to answer your question that day… I did feel better repeatedly saying to the lawyer that you had an affair, and by repeatedly, I mean repeatedly. I now realize that it wasn’t nice and I’m sorry. You should know that I truly don’t hate you but my heart hurts because you don’t seem to care.

I remember telling you on D-day that I wished you would just tell me you hated me because then there would at least be some emotion, not just the blank stare and clenched jaw. This is going to end; nobody wins. There is no race to the finish to get the gold medal. In about 45 days we will no longer be husband and wife. In 47 days we would have been celebrating our anniversary.

Eleven years ago, what drew me to you was the way you “played” life. You had friends with whom you had fun and you were your own person. You know that one of our biggest compliments we had of each other was that we had our own friends-we were our own person. We were not each other’s half—we were two wholes who came together. We each had our own source of fulfillment that complimented the other.

Your friends have now lost you as fast as I did, but they don’t get the courtesy of a goodbye or a why and it’s hard for me to know what to tell them. You understand that the facts remain, you had an affair, you didn’t want to reconcile and we are getting divorced. But I don’t want to be calloused in my responses, I can’t, that’s not me…anymore.

Maybe when I was still resentful towards you at the way that life was not getting any easier. You were taking trips out of state to see family and trips to chaperone youth events and fishing trips with your buddies. I would get up and go to work everyday to make sure things ran smoothly here. So it was very frustrating to hear you say that the final tipping point for not wanting to reconcile was that one of the littlest family members said they didn’t remember what I looked like. You took that as a sign of disinterest on my part. The part you easily forgot was that only one ticket was available and any extra funds were used to make sure you had travel and spending money.

Nevertheless, my heart found forgiveness for you and for that situation and I think that prepared me on some level for what was to come just a year later. I do forgive you, I forgive her, but forgiveness is for my benefit not yours. It is what is allowing me to carry on each day and go to work. It is what is allowing me to maintain a civil relationship with you and to look you in the eye and say very honestly that I do wish you well. It is only by the grace of God and the prayers of many friends and family that hold my heart right now that I can ask the question… why? And it is only that same grace and those same prayers that help me to understand that I will never get the answer that satisfies my soul but still begs the question. Now, all I can do is ask the question, “what now?” and step out in faith that I will get that answer.

Oh, Annie!

Z. new way of life , , , , , ,

The sun will come out tomorrow, but it can also come out today.

I can feel myself transitioning from the sadness and into something brighter. The raw emotions are finding their way back to normal, if there is such a thing in my life right now.

Tomorrow you start your job at the U… we waited years for that job to come along and looked forward to taking time off together. I realize now that perhaps you weren’t excited about taking time off together, but rather you were excited to have a job that offered you benefits and a steady paycheck. Be assured of this my husband, I do wish you the best at your new job but never again will I wish you the best at the expense of myself.

My friends have rallied around me in a way I never could have imagined and I know that I am being held. The bitter sting of hearing the retelling of conversations you had with people about us, about me, is starting to lessen and I realize that it was not a reflection of me at all. The weekend you told me you had an affair you also told me that you didn’t think you owed me an apology and you weren’t sorry about it. I told you that the worst part was that I always had your back and I always fought for you but that you didn’t want to fight for me –you didn’t argue.  I now realize that I don’t want you fighting for me. You aren’t strong enough.

The reminders of you around the home are losing their shine… the empty shower caddy that seemed to scream at me each morning after you left now has a new home… the trashcan.   The “bat light,” our once common signal for a daily reminder now stays off. My mornings aren’t measured anymore by second glances to make sure the signal is set. It’s laundry day and there is just enough for one load of whites and one load of darks. I’m amazed at my free time.

Unfortunately, the reminder that is with me constantly is the impression on my ring finger where once my wedding band was worn. I used to spin it when I was in meetings … now, I twirl a pencil and it’s not the same. My fingers reach automatically for my ring each morning from the jewelry box and I have to conscientiously focus on just getting earrings. The house is still incredibly deafeningly quiet and I feel like this roller coaster ride of emotions right now is just at the top and I wonder if I’m going to come screaming down fast.

Sleep is still sweet when I can get it and I still hope that you are the tiniest bit uncomfortable on your “couch.” I shake my head writing that. When you came back to the rental and told me that she offered you her couch, I thought to myself…surely you think me a fool—she offered you her bed just two weeks ago, you think I believe you’re on the couch? I’ve questioned so much over the past fifteen days and rightly so. Even now I find that while what you tell me is not always a lie, but it is also not fully the truth and it’s hard to accept at face value what you tell me.

There is however much that I do accept. I accept that while you can’t/won’t love me like I need to be loved, that doesn’t mean that I am unlovable. I accept that I looked to you to be the things to me that that I should have looked to the Lord to be for me. I accept that my life will forever be different but that different can be good. I accept that you may never offer me an apology and I can’t put my life on hold waiting for one. I accept that today may be a good day, but tomorrow may not. I accept that choices have consequences and both of us are living with the consequences of choices we made, but only we can allow them to define us. I give myself permission to mourn the loss of a life that taught me so much and I give myself permission to move on.

As I look back over my journal entries, it is amazing how the first few days were filled with aches of reconciliation and revival and now they are filled with acceptance and forgiveness…of myself. Today is the day that the Lord has made, I will choose to rejoice and be glad in it.