Enough Already


I feel like my life is a drinking game. Every time you lie, someone has to take a drink. We’re already on the second keg.

The question is “why are you getting divorced?” The answer is YOU wanted NOTHING to do with reconciling our marriage. Period. End of story.  Yet, when someone asks you why we are getting divorced you go into detail as to to why you felt justified to have an affair. Let me run through a few of them….  “we acted more like roommates than husband and wife, there was no spark between us, we mutually grew apart, it wasn’t much of a marriage, I wasn’t affectionate enough.” And then to me you say, “you never felt good enough for me, you always felt inadequate, you felt like you were holding me back, you loved me but you weren’t in love with me.” Enough already!

When telling your stories, how many times do you share that I immediately offered you forgiveness? That I said I would forgive you and forgive her and not hold it over your head? That I wouldn’t speak ill of either of you, that I would only show her kindness? How many times do you say that you asked me to wait one full week before deciding whether or not you wanted to move forward with me? How many times do you tell people that I left you at 9:30 pm that night and by 10:30 pm you were at HER house FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT?

For almost eleven years, I was in this marriage too. Do you think I was always satisfied? Always happy? Do you think I enjoyed the drug years and the side-effects that came (or didn’t come) with that? Do you think I enjoyed navigating the daily, sometimes hourly mood swings caused by your depression?  And yet, I didn’t have an affair, I didn’t go talking about the state of our marriage to strangers or even family. I stayed a part of this marriage, praying for it, fighting for it. You woke up one morning, realized that you didn’t like being married to me, you didn’t want to “work” at it and over the course of three weeks had put a plan into action.

You calculated everything. Starting with the fake “let’s go to counseling” conversations that  you brought up to me all the while you were with her. You wanted to save face with your friends and say “Look at me, I wanted this marriage to work—see I even suggested we go to counseling, but it didn’t work out. I guess we will have to get a divorce.” I asked you to talk to me, to tell me what was going on and you wouldn’t. You would shut down and say, “if you really loved me, you wouldn’t have to ask.” Pure manipulation.  After we were separated you sent me a text saying that you were serious about counseling and that you did pray about our marriage. Stop lying. The timing of everything is recorded and can be pieced together by looking at your chat logs. Enough already!

I do know you failed to calculate the money. You sent me a text saying that you couldn’t just pull money out your a$$, so I might not get my half of the fee ($120) to get out of the rental right away. You said you didn’t have anyone to give you money, that you told your family and they were disappointed in you.  We had a conversation after we met with the lawyer the first time. We talked about the initial filing fee. I told you I had my full amount to pay the lawyer, you said you had borrowed $200 from “around here.”  What does that mean, “around here?” Was she or someone else going to pay for your divorce as well? Have you paid them back yet? Do they know that I gave you $2500 to buy you out of the interest of our car. That is half the blue book value and in hindsight, definitely more than you deserved. Do they know that the car you purchased only cost $2000 AND how you handed B $1500, not the agreed upon $2000? You told B that you’d pay him the rest when he got back into town …. in four months. There is $1200 afloat in there and you still haven’t paid the lawyer his $500.  Don’t delay this divorce you so desperately wanted just 45 days ago. PAY THE LAWYER!

Enough already. Aren’t you tired yet? Just take responsibility, will ya?

Love Doesn’t Live Here Anymore


Friends, I’m sorry for the delay in posting. I didn’t have an internet connection where I was housesitting. 

I forgot where I lived. What an odd feeling.

I spent the long weekend house-sitting/pet-sitting for friends. I left their house and was making my way back across town, got to the corner, made a left and realized that was the way to the rental not to where I now lived. I started crying in the car.

What’s different now about my crying is that it’s over just as quickly as it starts. It’s as if I’m only allowed a certain number of tears whereas just 30 short days ago, I would cry for what felt like forever. I’m still angry and I imagine that has something to do with it.

I hate to admit it but I like the anger. I am able to make decisions quicker. For instance, it was very matter of fact when I called to cancel you from the car insurance. It was very easy to call the cell phone carrier and remind them that the discount we were receiving was only applicable to my household and you were no longer a part of “my household,” and when updating my new address with our pharmacist, it was quite easy, in fact too easy, to say that you were no longer on my insurance plan. Being angry makes it easier to say that you are having an affair, that you now live with her and aren’t pursuing any other living arrangement. It makes it easier to be matter of fact with the lawyer, as I am no longer blinded by tears when talking about the facts of the divorce.

My mom tells me to hold onto my anger. I realize what she is trying to say, but like so many things in others tell me, it’s not easy to do. I don’t want to hold onto the anger. I want to hold onto my marriage. I want to hold onto my husband but each day, it is easier to accept that I no longer have those things, just like I no longer live in our home.

I don’t pray for you as often. I recognize that eventually I will stop praying for you as my husband. For years, I prayed through the book The Power of a Praying Wife. I faithfully followed the command of the Bible, which instructs me to pray continually for my husband. It also says that husbands are to love their wives like they love to church. You may have hurt me, but you have wronged God. I don’t know where you are with that, but I do know that going to a different church certainly doesn’t make things right. It just makes it easier to be someone different from who you really are.

I still have the texts from the night you lied about going to work. You told me that you were going to B’s house at 6:30pm and that you would just change there for your midnight shift. At 11:58 pm, you texted me “@ work, g’nite.” I texted you back “I love you, I’m praying for you.” You didn’t respond which was very uncharacteristic for you but now I know you were likely naked in her bed. Looking back at the chat log I can see where you texted your friend to cover your shift and the back and forth you had with him. I can see where you texted me. You very purposely made the choice to send me a text and you likely jokingly said to her that you needed to text me that you were at work. I can see both of you laughing at my expense. Just so you know, writing that sentence makes me sick to my stomach.

The layers of lies that you went through make me exhausted and I cannot imagine how you kept them all straight. Who were you to everyone? I find out you were telling certain people one thing and others different things. I know that even after you moved out that you were still carrying on with lies. You should know those lies and stories are making their way to me. I now simply say, Ok when someone says anything to me. Not only does it no longer matter but I’m not going to excuse or defend you, because you are entitled to neither.

I have said to you over and over again since D-Day that for ten years, I always had your back – I was always on your side. You told me that hindsight showed you that. I told you hindsight doesn’t help me heal.

What is helping me heal is the continued support of my friends and family who have faithfully had my back. I reflect now on how often you really stood up for me and I can’t recall any. You were there for me in emergencies but I was there for you always. I’m glad that I’m angry because I can keep reminding myself that you didn’t deserve me as a wife and you don’t deserve me as a friend. I no longer have your back but I don’t wish you ill. I just wish you had been the man I believed and always said you could be. I’m angry that you proved me wrong and everyone else right.