Love Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Friends, I’m sorry for the delay in posting. I didn’t have an internet connection where I was housesitting. 

I forgot where I lived. What an odd feeling.

I spent the long weekend house-sitting/pet-sitting for friends. I left their house and was making my way back across town, got to the corner, made a left and realized that was the way to the rental not to where I now lived. I started crying in the car.

What’s different now about my crying is that it’s over just as quickly as it starts. It’s as if I’m only allowed a certain number of tears whereas just 30 short days ago, I would cry for what felt like forever. I’m still angry and I imagine that has something to do with it.

I hate to admit it but I like the anger. I am able to make decisions quicker. For instance, it was very matter of fact when I called to cancel you from the car insurance. It was very easy to call the cell phone carrier and remind them that the discount we were receiving was only applicable to my household and you were no longer a part of “my household,” and when updating my new address with our pharmacist, it was quite easy, in fact too easy, to say that you were no longer on my insurance plan. Being angry makes it easier to say that you are having an affair, that you now live with her and aren’t pursuing any other living arrangement. It makes it easier to be matter of fact with the lawyer, as I am no longer blinded by tears when talking about the facts of the divorce.

My mom tells me to hold onto my anger. I realize what she is trying to say, but like so many things in others tell me, it’s not easy to do. I don’t want to hold onto the anger. I want to hold onto my marriage. I want to hold onto my husband but each day, it is easier to accept that I no longer have those things, just like I no longer live in our home.

I don’t pray for you as often. I recognize that eventually I will stop praying for you as my husband. For years, I prayed through the book The Power of a Praying Wife. I faithfully followed the command of the Bible, which instructs me to pray continually for my husband. It also says that husbands are to love their wives like they love to church. You may have hurt me, but you have wronged God. I don’t know where you are with that, but I do know that going to a different church certainly doesn’t make things right. It just makes it easier to be someone different from who you really are.

I still have the texts from the night you lied about going to work. You told me that you were going to B’s house at 6:30pm and that you would just change there for your midnight shift. At 11:58 pm, you texted me “@ work, g’nite.” I texted you back “I love you, I’m praying for you.” You didn’t respond which was very uncharacteristic for you but now I know you were likely naked in her bed. Looking back at the chat log I can see where you texted your friend to cover your shift and the back and forth you had with him. I can see where you texted me. You very purposely made the choice to send me a text and you likely jokingly said to her that you needed to text me that you were at work. I can see both of you laughing at my expense. Just so you know, writing that sentence makes me sick to my stomach.

The layers of lies that you went through make me exhausted and I cannot imagine how you kept them all straight. Who were you to everyone? I find out you were telling certain people one thing and others different things. I know that even after you moved out that you were still carrying on with lies. You should know those lies and stories are making their way to me. I now simply say, Ok when someone says anything to me. Not only does it no longer matter but I’m not going to excuse or defend you, because you are entitled to neither.

I have said to you over and over again since D-Day that for ten years, I always had your back – I was always on your side. You told me that hindsight showed you that. I told you hindsight doesn’t help me heal.

What is helping me heal is the continued support of my friends and family who have faithfully had my back. I reflect now on how often you really stood up for me and I can’t recall any. You were there for me in emergencies but I was there for you always. I’m glad that I’m angry because I can keep reminding myself that you didn’t deserve me as a wife and you don’t deserve me as a friend. I no longer have your back but I don’t wish you ill. I just wish you had been the man I believed and always said you could be. I’m angry that you proved me wrong and everyone else right.

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